nbsp;"> Hello and Welcome This is a subject
that unfortunately has become very real for me. I hope you have
seen page one and gone on to There you'll be from there. I
hope I have helped in a small way in this terrible struggle and
that you will go on to see Perhaps Love from here.
"I
will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling
or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my
living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible,
to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which
came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that
which came to be as blossom, goes on as fruit." by Dawnna
Markova
Imprints
When I resolve into the essence That I
most truly am, I feel a deep conviction With every living
thing. For that which most imbues me
With my
identity Is somehow in the other, too, So that when I look
around I see myself - reflected. Hidden in this union Is
the wonderful discovery That if indeed the angels Have wings
- Then so do I.
And if the essence of a flower
Drifts out on a gentle breeze - Then so do I.
And if
the silent mystery Somehow becomes revealed In tiny dewdrops
fair - Then so will I.
For every lovely thing
Manifests its essence Of which I am a part, So beware,my
soul, beware, And move with gentle heart, Throughout this
mystic veil. For if Love has left its imprint here - Then so
have I! author unknown
To the world you might be
one person, But, to one person, you just might be the
world.
Living With Dying,
Help for the Caregiver, part 2
Fighting Fear and
Panic
Caregivers can have tidal waves of panic that come over
them at unpredictable times, such as when they are cooking or
taking a shower. As with anger, panic can overwhelm the caregiver
and make them feel lonely. Often they are aware of a painful
discrepancy between the fear they feel and the calm, competent
way they feel they appear to others.
Fear is a normal
emotion that occurs when we feel threatened. Worry that they
can't manage the situation, that the illness and their role in
it are God's punishment or that they won't be able to live after
their loved one is gone.
Fear may cause them to feel cut off
from others in a dark scary place. Fear also causes adrenaline to
surge, which is part of the fight or flight response. When caring
for someone, the caregiver can't fight or run, so they may feel
stress or anxiety, and loss of control in the form of fluttering in
the solar plexus area (sympathetic nerve complex in upper
abdomen), shortness of breath, or a pounding heart.
Two
methods for dealing with fear are, first, talk with a trusted
friend, asking them to just listen and not offer advice. Talking
about fear takes the edge off of it and gives their friend a way
to help. Second, recognize fear when it hits without judging
yourself and breathe slowly and deeply from the
diaphragm.
Softening the Sadness
Sadness is often
chronically present in caregivers. Many avoid talking about
it for fear that it will engulf them. This kind of profound grief
affects the body, mind, and spirit and begins the moment the
caregiver learns that their loved one will die before
them.
Crying is very helpful, if possible. Fear of not being
able to stop crying or of social backlash prevents many from
crying. No one ever started crying that could not stop. It's
appropriate to cry with the person who's dying. Again, talking
with a trusted friend or writing about sad feelings can be
helpful.
Sometimes caregivers don't recognize sadness because
it masquerades as another emotion, such as anger. But being sad
together about the impending loss is a way the caregiver and
their loved one can share another intimacy.
Occasionally,
sadness turns into a depression that makes it impossible
to function. If you, as caregiver can't get out of bed, become
indifferent, or consider suicide, report it to a mental health
professional who can treat the
depression immediately.
Living With Stress
People
with high stress levels are prone to cancer, arthritis, heart
attacks, and other illnesses. Watch for signs such as, inability
to concentrate, becoming forgetful, headaches, backaches, shoulder
tightness, gastrointestinal upset, clenched jaw or hands, and
loss of sense of humor.
Although you can't control external
events, such as the impending loss of your loved one, you have
some control over your response to stressors. Here are some
tips:
-Stop negative thoughts about inadequacy as a caregiver
by mentally repeating positive thoughts, such as affirmation or
positive belief. Examples could be, "this to will pass" or "I'm
doing a good job."
-Practice breathing exercises before and
after stressful activities by taking 8 or 10 deep breaths while
relaxing the body.
-Express feelings by talking, crying,
screaming, beating a pillow or writing.
-Stop setting
standards of perfection. Realize that you can't create a perfect
death for your loved one. "one thing at a time, first things
first, and nothing perfect" can be your mantra.
Resist
self judgment. Remember that a rule book or grading sheet doesn't
exist for caregivers.
Ask for help. The sheer volume of
work involved with caregiving contributes to the stress of it,
don't try to do it alone.
-Take breaks. A warm bubble bath or
even just changing your routine may help reduce stress. If you
can't find ways to balance care of yourself with care of your
loved one, your resentment may become another source of
stress.
-Write things down to remember them. Caregiving is so
consuming that you may become forgetful. a list of things to ask
the nurse or to buy at the grocery store will help you feel less
scattered.
These suggestions may be easier said that done. At
some point the caregiver may require helpers on call, so they can
take care of themselves while their loved one continues to
receive attention.
Sometimes a person who's dying becomes
possessive and demands that the caregiver be the only one to
care for them. It is ok for you to say no to that if it goes on
for a long time or if you simply can't do it.
As the loved
one's death draws near, however, they may truly need you near
them constantly. The caregiver may decide not to leave them at
all rather than risk missing their final moments.
After
the Death
After the loved one dies, the caregiver may feel
left behind and have to face the question of who they will be
without their loved one. Learning to find wholeness in the
unshared experience of living their own life is the
challenge.
The grieving period could last years, the
caregiver may find comfort in a support group or through
counseling. Caring for themselves now is
primary!
reference: Nursing
2110-April, Ms. Joan Furman Good Shepard Hospice of Polk County
The page below,
Perhaps Love, is dedicated to a very beloved friend, it is long
loading due to the John Denver/Placido Domingo song. If you haven't
heard it, it is well worth the
time.
|
.
Painting is ©Danny Hahlbohm, used
with permission Painting entitled Trinity
Midi is MY
SWEET LOVE ©2000, Bruce DeBoer and used with permission
|